So, this is a less political post than it is a social issue post, like the couple I did a few months ago about the BLM movement and implicit bias. I’ve been inspired lately to do a bit of introspection and research about allyship.
What does it mean to be a true ally? When do our efforts go in the wrong direction? When does our allyship become performative? All things that I started thinking about in the last couple of days due to a situation I saw blowing up on social media. I hope you’re not familiar with the situation, because it’s kind of ridiculous in the bigger scheme of things. It also exposes me as not being as serious a person as I should be at my advanced age. However, it started the wheels turning as I pondered what the world is coming to.
No matter how much influence you have on social media, posting and reposting about social issues is not what makes you an ally. One of the best quotes I’ve read that defines this for me is from an article by Casey Bond in the Huffington Post, “Social media is a tool that amplifies allyship, not encompasses it.” Sure, use your platform to educate people, to spread information helpful to others who want to be an ally, but if you have to tell everyone that you’re an ally...you’re slipping over the line to performative allyship. You have to do more...you have to do the work.
I have certain feelings about cancel culture and the fine line between that and calling people out or holding them accountable for problematic behavior. What I’ve figured out is that the line is not so fine as it is nonexistent. Someone who claims that they’re an ally based mostly on the fact that they are “using their platform” to call out bad behavior are less of a real ally than they think. You aren’t educating anyone by calling out this bad behavior, you’re inviting others to shame and bully them because (another point made by the Huffington Post article) most of the people you are reaching already think like you and have the same opinions you do.
In my research to educate myself on becoming a better ally, I found a fantastic website called The Guide to Allyship. The information found there really made it clear that being an ally is more about focusing on yourself. When it comes to holding others accountable...well, it is an aspect, but one that I feel has been blown out of proportion.
I had to work to find source material for holding others accountable and the best version I saw was in the Harvard Business Review in regards to the workplace. “See something, say something,” is a good approach. It is less useful to hear about an account second hand, seek it out, then pile on the public shaming.
It’s become a commonly held belief that the best way to change someone’s behavior is to publicly shame them. Call them out on your large public platform, pile on with everyone else until you make them understand how horrible of a person they are. Problem with this is that, according to an article published in Psychology Today, shaming doesn’t work. There have been many studies on this specific issue which were also distilled into a well researched article in Scientific American that points out that shaming is traumatic and can cause long lasting psychological issues. Interestingly enough, this effect is usually dependent on age.
A far more useful emotion than shame in these situations is its close cousin, guilt. Shame is something someone feels about themselves. Guilt is something they feel about something they’ve done. Shaming someone is making someone feel like a terrible person while making someone feel guilty is making them feel terrible about something they’ve done. It’s an important distinction, but how do we engender guilt without shaming? I stumbled upon a very interesting approach by a very interesting woman who I believe has the answer.
Professor Loretta J. Ross is someone I think I need to spend time learning more about. The New York Times describes her as a “A radical Black feminist who has been doing human rights work for four decades.” From what I found in a quick search of the Internet, she seems to be very focused on fighting cancel culture, a fight I fully support.
Her approach is to, instead of calling someone out...call them in. She challenges calling people out, calling it toxic and a missed learning opportunity. The alternative that she proposes is “calling in,” which is a private conversation done with respect. She describes it as “a call out done with love” and has used this approach for many years. I really recommend reading the NY Times article for descriptions of her experiences.
She’s also trying to spread this approach to classroom situations by addressing this in an article to teachers on the website tolerance.org. Hopefully, educators will stumble upon this and use this lesson in classrooms to combat the continuation of cancel culture.
While this method isn’t 100% effective, it is less traumatizing for all parties involved and does leave the opportunity for a revisit of the discussion at a later date (once you shame someone, it’s unlikely they’ll come back for more).
I’ve always personally felt that a calm, respectful discussion and sharing of information is a much better way to fight ignorance and bigotry than a full frontal attack. Also, a great deal of the situations that I see people being called out for publicly are honest mistakes or a lack of knowledge or understanding. How is making them feel like a terrible person doing anything useful? A calm, respectful explanation of what they did wrong has a better chance of engendering the more constructive emotion of guilt instead of the destructive shame.
And if they don’t change? As Dr. Ross said, “You can’t be responsible for someone else’s inability to grow. So take comfort in the fact that you offered a new perspective of information and you did so with love and respect, and then you walk away.”
So, if you want to be an ally, be an ally. Don’t point out that you are an ally at every opportunity by declaring yourself and calling out people that the masses determine are problematic. Focus on your own education and growth and stop trying to make sure that everyone sees your allyship.
